Unequal marriage: what dangers are fraught with misalliance, a family psychotherapist told
Unequal marriages have always existed: based on age, material and social status. Moreover, the eldest in age can be not only the husband, but also the wife. Why do people go for a misalliance, can such a union exist for a long time and why conflicts usually arise among such spouses, Pravda.Ru told neuropsychologist, family psychotherapist Natalya Naumova.
Photo: commons.wikimedia.org by Illarion Pryanishnikov (1840–1894) is licensed under copyright term is the author’s life plus 100 years or fewer
— Natalya Nikolaevna, often an unequal marriage based on status and age causes others to doubt whether there is love there. For what reasons do people go for misalliance?
— These are not always selfish motives. As a rule, a person experiences sincere feelings. Most often, people find themselves in unequal relationships due to internal infantilism. A person who is younger wants to find someone who will take care of him, make his life safer, more convenient, so that he can work less. Sometimes it happens that in childhood, parents paid little attention to such a person, were not sincerely interested in the child, and kept saying that we are very busy, we have a lot of work, leave me alone, don’t interfere. And then finally another adult shows interest, and this is appreciated. It seems that since such an adult is interested in me, it means I’m cool.
The subconscious finds a trauma that has not been closed since childhood in order to bring it into a relationship and so that it supposedly ends – unfinished pain, a gestalt. But usually people only get more and more hurt in relationships, stepping on the same rake.
An older partner is, as a rule, a person who feels that he is not valued enough by his peers, the old relationship has become boring, or there has been a break in the relationship. And then people meet and fall in love with each other. It seems that a young, fresh, bright person became interested in a person who was already grown up, perhaps not so beautiful. And here, too, self-esteem increases. Plus, the admiration of a younger partner, when a person is ready to submit and obey, also impresses the older person, and he feels his advantage.
But when the first three-month passion passes, people notice that there are not many common interests; the younger partner may seem to know little and be superficial. And sometimes young people look as if they have already lived a great life. Then they get along well with older people. But most often, after three or four months, the couple breaks up, people are disappointed because they did not get what they wanted.
In general, unequal marriages can also be long-lasting. Depending on how people adapted, accepted each other, and how pronounced their:
- attention to each other.
It is important that there are common interests, a desire to understand each other, not to blame, but to support each other. Then such couples can live well and long. But in most cases, these couples break up quite quickly, after two or three years they lose interest or the relationship is very difficult to build.
There are a lot of calls to a psychotherapist when a couple with a difference of 15-20 years has a lot of quarrels related to the fact that the older person in the couple wants to dominate and demands submission from the other. After all, peers usually play dominance on equal terms.